the drink

There aren't very many people who have heard me go on an on about my desire to really and truly stop drinking. I usually only share those stories for not even a handful of my closest friends. Like all things that are bad for you, it is hard to stop. Even in the face of all the horrible things that it brings. The hangovers, the lost days, the wasted money and worst of all, whatever legal shit happens to come your way after a night of too much booze.

Granted, I have had many fun and awesome times boozing, but lately I've been really detached from anything that involves alcohol. Honestly, unless I can get totally and unequivocally drunk, drinking makes absolutely no sense to me. A glass of wine with dinner? Why would I want just one, that's lame. One beer? What's the point? The bottom line is, I don't believe people drink alcohol because they like the way it tastes, we like the way it makes us feel. Being the honest extremist that I am, having just a single drink defies all logic and goes against any rational thought. That's the God's honest truth to me. Then again, I'm pretty sure I have an addictive personality and I come from a long line of addicts.

I've noticed that as I've gotten older, my tolerance has increased but so have the ramifications of a wild night out or lonely night in. Alcohol has the total opposite effect on me than it should as it's place belongs in the "downer" category of drugs. Most human beings go home and pass out. I go home and shake and quiver all through the night. I don't sleep, my mind takes over and fear finds me in my weakest of states. I pray to God that I promise to never drink again if he helps me through the night and I take an oath moving my lips saying "this is the last time." I've had too many "last times."

So where do I go from here? Giving up alcohol is saying goodbye to my most awesomest of friends. In fact, I'm thinking "where can I buy a jug of Club Pina Colada?" right at this very moment as I type these words. That doesn't mean I'm going to go do it, it just means that when I do, I probably will go through it very quickly. Not to mention, giving up drinking isolates me from the most popular of social activities and it will mean that I am going to have to learn how to socialize all over again. In ways that are more beneficial and productive rather than dousing away what is actually a really good life.

How do I tell my friends that drinking for me is different than drinking for them? This is my life. When I go back home, its just me and I have to deal with it. No one is stroking my head, holding my hand or tucking me in to get me through the night.