all these obsessions

And no money to obsess over. That is no money to purchase the things I currently covet. Perhaps I should divert my longing to things I already own but don't use.

1. The Wilton Giant Cupcake Pan. I need this for whatever retarded reason but the main one being that I can't complain enough how fat my ass is. SO, I need a big ass cupcake to make it smaller. Plus, I really just want to make them so I can pile on the icing and share them with others! See, my materialism is for the greater good!

2. The Wilton Jumbo Cupcake Pan. Not to be confused with the above giant cupcake maker. This pan makes six jumbo sized cupcakes that are about the size of a large piece of pie or cake. Perfect for splitting or gorging by yourself.

3. James Spencer Briggs and his tattoos. This tattooer is beyond amazing. It makes me wonder why Kat Von D (bless her soul) is huge and this guy is so humble and intense. I know getting tattooed by him is going to be like a punch in the face with a soft and padded glove. Getting all bloody with fluid running down your arm sucks, but much like giving birth, when you look down at the results, everything is worth it.

4. Leather jackets. Aw hell, all leather goods. My last acquisition was an awesome lambskin jacket from Dolce Vita that is just perfect for the upcoming season. Black, of course, but cropped and with a military styling; I will be wearing this long after the leather bandleader style passes. Did I mention, its leather and not PVC? Who can wear PVC anyway? Isn't that shit for plumbing?

5. Importing all of my cd's to my iTunes library. Sheesh. I really should never buy music. At all. Ever again. I love all of the tunes I have and I truly have a musical selection for every mood, purpose, state of mind, or activity. The bad thing is, some cd's I haven't listened to in years and it wouldn't be worth it to take it to Amoeba and get a few bucks for it. By a "few", I mean one to two dollars. Hardly worth it. But I guess, music lasts forever and I really should hold on to it. I still can't get over the fact that I gave away Rick James cd's over 15 years ago. Honest.

doin' the work

Today's weather reminded me of Montana. It started out cold with lots of rolling clouds and air so crisp it felt like the atmosphere was made of ice shards. Fluffy clouds turned into grey and silver webs that let go of tiny sprinkles... Onto my face and the makeup I had applied four hours earlier. Then the big rain came down similar to Big Sky country. It's still cold outside.

With a dreary day, came much progress and the fire I need under my ass to get me going.

1. Calling about the Legion of Mary. I need to be a part of this group to grow stronger in my faith and make sure that the deeds of Christ are present in my life, no matter how small. I cannot grow from intentions alone and need to include more actions of charity and giving, especially since the Lord has blessed me with so much.

2. Tattooer, Spencer Briggs speaks as elegantly as he draws. This is going to be tough, but I have my first appointment set up and I need to just do it. There is never going to be a time where I have a massive "tattoo funds" jar set aside with nothing but cash to make all of my tattoo dreams happen. The date is set, and the pressure to meet that date needs be heeded. There is no "perfect" time... Much like having a baby.

3. Creativity through the sewing machine. The last time I pulled out the machine was to make simple curtains for the kitchen. This time, I needed to alter my favorite pants that had lost a bit of the elasticity and to attempt a bunny project. Not too stoked on the bunny project, but I'm wearing the freshly altered pants and it feels great not to have them falling off of my ass. I think I want to sew a quilt...

I want to finish watching the Nazi zombie movie that I started before the night is over and perhaps wake up early for chuch tomorrow. I'm not sure yet...

take two

Take two, is right. Well, after totally dropping the ball and my checkbook, I lost out on an appointment with Nikko Hurtado some months back. Something that I waited almost half year for and had to blow it off because I couldn't get funds together.

Well, the tattoo lords have given me a second chance because I've found the perfect artist for me and his style couldn't be more different than Nikko's. For a long time, I've wanted to go strictly black and grey but this is a method that requires even more research than traditional style tattooing. You can't really go wrong with a colorful and classic piece of Sailor Jerry style art with kick-ass color. Some people, like Sid, do it better than anyone but even the bad ones have a fun, old tymey look. Black and grey can go bad really quickly... What was supposed to be a cool piece of Los Angeles brand of tattooing, can turn into a shitty jailhouse tat done by your cholo cellmate if you don't take your time choosing your artist.

I'm trying to remind myself daily that Spencer Briggs is worth the wait. And he his. Unfortunately he does all of the work himself so getting a response can take a while which is something I'll gladly wait for so long as an appointment is at the end of that tunnel. Thankfully, he likes my religious sleeve idea and I really hope that he is excited about it. It took a long time for me to even get a call back to set up an appointment with Nikko because he wasn't taking any new clients at the time. I imagine it will be the same with Spencer because of his work load.

At least that will give me plenty of time to get my ideas finalized and funds together. Pics to follow in about 12 months...

long and lost

The worst part about getting older is having memories. At least I think so, the good ones can never be topped or duplicated and the bad ones just hang around and never go anywhere. How perfect it is that they linger and sometimes intensify as you think about what you've lost and how things could have been.

If life and the universe didn't intervene by giving me small boobs, no ass and a full brain, I probably should have been married with babies five times over by now. And whatever happened to Marco? Why do I still think about him even though I will never see him again. Its those fucking memories. The ones that are your first loves, the first rushes of heat, excitement and panic that are branded in your memory forever. Yeah, without a doubt its perfect that I didn't give my entire life and vagina to a fucking waiter with bad teeth (but perfect ass) that liked to drink beer. Well, I can't complain about but the beer part. Looking back with an old maid's wisdom, I know damn well now that he KNEW that I was crushed on him and I'm pretty sure he loved it. However, what he had in ass, he definitely lacked in balls. Horribly so, he flirted openly with other, let's just say, "fuller" girls as he knew how much I thought of him.

What I remember most is the anticipation of a work night scheduled when I knew he would be there. I looked forward to going to work, getting dressed and being around him. I still remember, he worked "D" room and his shift started at 6:00 p.m. When I started at 5:00, I would wait for that time to roll around when I knew he would be coming in.

The worst part, the worst part, is that if I were to see him today and he still looked remotely the same (maybe with fixed teeth) I would melt all over again for this Mexican construction worker/waiter 15 years my senior. In some desperate attempt to recapture youth but only with bigger boobs and better makeup. Its like that hurricane that sucks you in as it rewinds time but the winds aren't touching you as you're transported almost a decade and half back and the heat is rising up within you again. Stupid love. Stupid hormones. Stupid heart.

ghost of clifton's past

Easter Sunday was celebrated with a risen Jesus and a trip to Clifton's Cafeteria downtown. I make no secret about my love for downtown Los Angeles even though it is a shadow of its former self. In between tiendas, botanicas and the Fallas Paredes, there are the skeletons of historical buildings that perhaps shudder at the fact that they are now storefronts for the peddlers non-deco and un-gothic goods.

In a city that is hellbent on destroying whatever brief history it has, the buildings on Broadway are still very much alive to me. They represent a time gone by and one that we most likely will never see again. Overnight, the City of Angels changes and the skyline takes on a new shape that not only erases the past, but stomps on it with steel-toed boots and never looks back.

Clifton's, on the other hand, is one of the last places in the city that is like walking into a timewarp. I feel its loneliness. If it were a person, it would be a World War II vet standing in the middle of a bunch of pink-haired punk rockers and cheap cowboys with bad boots from the mountains of Mexico. He would look around and wonder "What the fuck happened to all of my friends and where the hell can I get a beer?"

Most of downtown along Broadway is very much alive. In spirit, in history, in my memory from what I've read in books and seen in old photographs. I surely cling to that time and wish to God that one day the sun would rise and the whole avenue would be reborn looking like 1939. The ghosts and the spirits of those that knew the place are alive and well looking out of the windows down on Broadway. Waiting for buses, trolley cars or walking back home. Stopping off at the Broadway Bar for a drink before taking the elevator up in the Eastern Building. I bumped into one the other day like a ghost train gliding down the tracks and could only mouth, "take me with yoooou."

super risen

New Year's is technically January 1st and all New Year's resolutions are supposed to start on this day. Luckily, Easter is a second chance to start reworking those resolutions. Especially the spritual ones, which can be more fulfilling than any diet, workout regimen or promise that will undoubtedly be broken before too long. Most people wouldn't be too stoked on renewing their baptismal promises to the Lord, but the holy jerk in me had the opportunity to do it twice this weekend.

This past Holy Week arrived just in time. Just in time to save me from my own self, the doubts, the fear, the helplessness that is really just a demon that is sent to stop me from triumphing and moving forward to do what it is I'm on this earth to do. Whatever my path is that God has chosen for me, I have to be willing to walk it with courage and dignity whether it is nursing, mortuary science, or pouring coffee.

What I loved most about yesterday was the large presence of people in our tiny church. While I wish that there was a turnout that size every week, its awesome to know that God is alive and well in the hearts of so many men even if it is only a couple of times a year that the parking lot is that crowded.

My Easter promise and resolution to myself and to my Lord is acceptance. Acceptance that I love God and that I surrender to Him with all my heart. I am so done with denying Jesus and my love for Him. That is my new promise. I can still love Iron Maiden, Jack and Coke and an occasional cigarette. I can still love my church, a tearful prayer and have my favorite church songs. This is my duality. There can be no light without dark and no life without death. So for me, there can be no rock n' roll Friday nights, without grateful Sunday rejoicing!

compelling you

I can't talk enough about how much the last two days have totally rocked my face off. Yesterday, a fantastic hike in "the church of God" followed by a super Holy Thursday mass where I just felt so humbled in the presence of the Lord and all he has done for me.

I try to remember always that no matter is happening to me at a particular time in my life, God has a plan for me. With each passing day, I believe it more and more. Words are turning into actions as I surrender myself to Christ a little bit more each day and as I learn to trust in Him. Loving God is so easy, letting go and trusting is difficult no matter what anyone says. Now I try to think of myself of having done what He has asked of me and now is my time to leave things up to Him and I just need to keep walking on the path that He has laid out before me.

Today I cried in church again. I really don't see how more people don't. I don't know why I do and I will try to think of anything to prevent eyes from welling up but I'm not successful most of the time. Today I thought of something scientific to take my mind away from faith and it worked for about a minute; long enough to stop the moisture and take away that burning in the wells of my eyes. Because for God so loved the world. SO LOVED THE WORLD. That kind of love is massive. I can't even sacrifice an eyeshadow or part with ten dollars...

Tomorrow is Holy Saturday and I love the church at night. I love it when its dim and its just me and the Lord. Relaxing in his glory.