I want my hair back

I knew when I cut my hair earlier this year that I was going to regret it. Not right away, but that in several months I was going to want it all back. Quite impossible, I know unless I felt compelled to glue yak hair tracks into the crown section of my beautiful locks. That would never happen. That is a cheating; that is worse than having small boobs and wearing a water bra. Or those God-awful colored contacts.

So now I'm back on the hair grow out quest. I had my length all worked out and it was absolutely perfect when I cut about 12 inches off. Unfortunately, it was a bit dry from living in a moisture lacking climate like Montana, not to mention that running the heat inside dried it out considerably. I guess it was time to cut and start fresh.

My hair is my security blanket. It is my sexuality, how I see myself and my confidence all wrapped up in one physical feature. Yes, I hide behind my hair and I like it that way. I feel better about myself when its at least four inches below my shoulders and I can pull it in a pony, or just leave it and it looks perfect as it is.

Hopefully these damn Biotin vitamins will be effective and by the end of the winter it will begin to look like its former self. Or at least some incarnation thereof.

test of time

For the last day or two I have been rocking to "Girls Girls Girls" by Motley Crue, an album that I've been listening to since I was about 10 years old. That shit still gets me and every time I hear Tommy's drums, I picture him playing upside down in concert in the video for "Wild Side." It was so nuts and STILL is; in my head I always hear Jimmy Labrozzi from elementary taking about the titty guitar and how bad ass Tommy played the drums upside down. I seriously doubt any of the fags playing music today can play their shit upside down AND suspended over an audience of about 40,000 people.

Now when I listen to it I appreciate it on a whole different level and not just the rock. I know what they're talking about when Vince sings about "raising hell at The Seventh Veil," the shit strip club on Sunset across from The Guitar Center. Or even an menage a trois. I was a horny kid but had no idea about that shit, that's for sure.

Motley Crue still rocks and they will forever be one of the bands that shaped my musical tastes. Pentagrams, make-up and scary lyrics weren't a deterrent, they were the attraction.

district n9ne

Whoa. I finally got to see "District 9" and I have to say, it was a helluva lot different than the trailer made it seem. In a shitty era of "Transformers" movies and really overdone special effects, this film was just different. No overpublicized starlets or annoying teenagers in this one. Along with "Terminator Salvation," I can't wait to buy this on dvd at the end of the year. It had all of my favorite things; blood, guts, guns and understanding.

I guess the next big thing is "Inglourious Basterds" but to be honest with you, I am probably the only person that is over (actually, was never really into) Brad Pitt. Yeah, sure, he does all of these great charitable things, he is a good actor and not bad to look at, but he is a victim of overexposure and I really can't handle him anymore. Hollywood sucks and why do I keep seeing the same people in every movie? As if there are only 10 people in all of Hollywood that can act. It would be nice to see a new face, male or female... Or even a clever dog.

das boredom

So I guess things are back to normal. You know how I can tell? I'm bored, frustrated, having a few creative ideas but lack the desire to follow through. Its all the same. Now that I'm here and not going to back to Butte, that sense of adventure is no longer present; now I'm just waiting for the bras to dry to dry on the line so I will have some clean underwear.

I will workout today.

I will cut a shirt today.

I will decide on a haircolor today.... When I apply it will be a different story.

These are the three things I will do today. I did upload some photos to flickr which I had been wanting to do for sometime. I love my new infrared converted digital camera; everything looks better in infrared and for art-faggy. I really enjoy photographing subjects in b/w and it really forces you to look at things differently. With the infrared, it all comes through much more intensely and I guess, that's what I've always wanted in my photos, some kind of intensity. Especially since it is so obviously missing from my life.

flashback

Normally I only talk about this stuff with Ed or Emily and these trips down memory lane really piss me off. After watching "Intervention" tonight I felt like I could have killed eveyone on screen and it really would have been much like taking out my own family for the very same faults.

What I remember most about living with my brother and his drug addiction was my mother's denial. When that happened it meant that she turned her eyes away from what was so clear to me,it meant that she was putting my brother above everyone else in our family including herself. It meant that his ability to get high, not contribute to his family and deal drugs was more important.

Who do I blame? Should I blame my mother for allowing him to live that kind of lifestyle without any type of consequence? Should I blame my father for being an alcoholic and drinking every night of his life for the almost twenty years that I lived at home? I definitely don't blame myself for jumping ship when my parents lost their home and we ended living in a motel. I wanted out and that was the catalyst for sure. No motel for me, thank you very much.

Even after he got arrested, forced sobriety was the only way he got well. If it weren't for incarceration, he would still be going on the same way. Sober or high, he remained a selfish asshole. Remind me to tell you about the time he left me during the middle of a move into a new house because I asked him to be careful loading my boxes into the truck. I think that one is worthy of its own special entry. Oh well, blame it on the heroin, I guess.

For me, the Intervention episode was a flashback to constant arguments, sleepless nights and a double life. The life I led at home wasthe life that I hid from everyone else that resided outside of that old Woodlawn address. Is it true that you can never go home? For me, I don't want to go home. I'm far too busy creating a new one.

closer

Yes, moving forward ever so slowly but it's better than sideways. My apartment is coming along, only two more weeks until my appointment with Sid and I'm almost in with Nikko to start my left arm and backpiece.

Not to mention I am not on the road this week and Ed is so I'm not being bothered to watch porn in hotel rooms and I'm so glad not to have eat out for every single meal. I like both as much as the next gal but after a while they can be boring and flavorless. I do miss Ed though. I have no upcoming road plans but I have to get my ass in gear with finding a job so I will have more funds to roadtrip.

So what happens now? Nascar?

commitment

No, not that kind. I'm just making a promise to myself via this computer that I am going to be more dedicated to finishing my tattoos.

I started today by making a call to Nikko and spoke with his kick-ass wife, Joanne. She said that he would be most stoked to do my Hollywood portraits and that it was a welcome change from the family pictures he does most of the time. Sweet. So after hearing my ideas, she said she would talk to Nikko because it seemed like it would be right up his alley and she would like to get me in sooner rather than waiting for all eternity, okay, actually until the middle of next year. I have waited FOREVER to get my Garbo and Dietrich work done. The main reason for that is since its a portrait, I wanted to have the absolute VERY BEST artist to do it. Money is no object and since cash is temporary and shitty tattoos are forever, I'm so glad I waited. Nikko is it.

I really want Sid to finish my right arm with traditional style work since it is my favorite tattoo style and I get nonstop compliments on his stuff. Not to mention just hanging around his shop is part of the fun. And he's already been awesome about squeezing me in and basically offers me all kind of scheduling options when he's in the shop. There is something to be said about being loyal to your favorite artists!

I'm just way too excited and I know I have to start posting pictures with this blog real soon. Its not that fun without.

I'm barely out of Butte but now I wish I wasn't. I'm afraid that maybe I didn't give her enough time. Well, it's too late for regrets now and I just have to keep chasing that carrot in front of me.

Some of the stuff I am going to miss most about Butte and Montana in general.
1. the mountains
2. my little refuge of a house
3. the snow
4. quiet
5. wild ass dogs
6. everything in town is only five minutes away
7. those awesome old dudes that wear suspenders with their muscle shirts and camo pants
8. muddy pick 'em up trucks
9. Montana state mudflaps
10. just the simplicity of life there and what the place stands for

I know I will be back so I will try not to be too sentimental about it.

Some things I will not miss include:
1. not having a gym with consistent hours and equipment
2. no Jack in the Box
3. dog turds in my yard
4. not having a fenced in yard for my Banjo Eyes

So three out of four of those complaints can be fixed when I go back in two years and I can do Montana the way I wanted to do it. With lots of land and animals. No sadness.

moving forward

Okay, goodbye, Butte. I'm all packed and tomorrow we will load the rental truck and on Tuesday start the drive back. I don't know what to say and actually just thinking about leaving sort of makes me sad. During the time I've spent up here I feel as if I have grown more in one year than I've grown in the last five. At the same time, I feel like the person I thought I was maybe isn't me at all...

Driving up here, I finally got to see Temple Square in Salt Lake and it was as ass-kicking as I knew it was going to be. Mormons, architecture and lots of sun. Everyone was perfectly Godly, as I expected, and naturally I felt out of place. I took awesome photos which will follow once my computer is hooked up normally at my house. I am no stranger to the Lord and love my fellow Christians as much as the next woman, but something about five thousand Mormons in a two block radius can be a bit intimidating.

I just really want to get home to my dogs and I hope Butte will forgive me if I miss her from afar.