Part deux of "getting to know me" as Banjo Eyes stares at me with those sad little eyes wondering, "Where's my walk, bitch?!"

What is your favourite childhood memory?
Well, its not early childhood, but more like teenage years. That would be my first job at El Torito as a hostess. Good times and LOTS of bad ones. More than anything, lots of growing up occured during those years and if I could, I would LOVE to do it all over again.

If you were reincarnated, what would you like to come back as?
I would like to come back as a German mountain-climber with long braids and an all over even tan in 1930's Bavaria. Or perhaps a Parisian model in 1950's France? Anything as long as I still get to be tall and have some fun.

Best present you’ve ever received?
That would be the trip to Europe my old friend, Scott gave me back in 2004. He pretty much paid for everything including my meals and never asked for a dime. What a prince. We went to Paris and London for two weeks and froze our asses off which prompted Scott to declare that the Eiffel Tower in Vegas was "much better." We both got sick during the trip but at different times and spent most of our days trying to stay dry.

Favourite way to chill out?
At home!!! I don't like going out. I like movies, hot chocolate, my computer and reading.

What is your most admirable quality?
I have a GREAT sense of humor. Seriously. I feel like such a douche for even saying how awesome I am, but really, I know how to laugh and make others laugh too.

What is your greatest achievement?
I don't really like this question because society has all of these expectations about what people should achieve in thier lives and we all have different ideas about what "achievements" are. Mine would be meeting some of the world's most interesting, hilarious and creative people during the course of my life. I've done a lot and seen a bunch of different places in the world, thus, I've learned a lot. I've made it out of the country and most people never will.

selfage

I love answering these types of interview questions. Since my day to day life is no where nearly as exciting as my brain and the opinions that are stored there, I know this will make for a much more interesting read sometime in the future. Taking the plunge...

What’s your favorite language?
What a coincidental way to begin this! Its no secret to myself and those that know me know that my heart beats only for the German language. While I have never fully mastered it, I get so much pleasure from hearing and reading it. Learning new things is a cinch and just comes really naturally for me. French sounds like mush, Spanish is fun and its always helpful to understand the telenovelas, but German is the language of conquering, warrior, mountain climbers!

What you will never wear?
I have a very strong aversion to pleather or anything that is supposed to be leather but isn't. I figure, this is the one thing that will last forever and only look better with age so its worth it to spend the money and have it. Ironically, producing sythentic products in an attempt to have a vegan or "green" wardrobe produces way more pollution and will likely end up in a landfill than something that is a byproduct of the meat industry. Sad but true. Wait, what was the question? Oh yeah, and I'll never wear Crocs. Blech.

What’s your favorite song ever?
Ever? That's a lot of pressure on me to pick just ONE song and not to mention tons of pressure on the one song that's got to get me through life! But I'm gonna pick "Amarillo By Morning" by George Strait. Man, I've been stone cold drunk and crying AND laughing my ass off while riding a mechanical bull during different times in my life and that song's been playing. Plus its about the rodeo and bullriding. What's not to love about that shit?

One thing you could not live without.
I couldn't live without internet access. Life fucking sucked before the wonderful interwebs came about and while I liken the computer to crack cocaine laced with heroin and angel dust, it serves its practical purposes. Without the internet I never would have: met my best friend, found my dog, Banjo Eyes and score a whole bunch of shit without ever having to step foot in a retail store. Heavenly.

When do you tell a lie?
This sucks, but lying is one of my worst habits. I lie for many reasons but mostly because I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I'm human so that means I lie to protect my own ass on occasion. It also means that sometimes lying is just so much easier than telling the truth. But the avoidance of hurting people is the main reason that I commit this horrible sin. That, and well, I needs to keep my secrets. Some things you just have to keep to yourself, you know?

listless

I'm really always just trying to get away. I need to stay away from the internet because it truly handicaps me. Not only does it make me believe that I can do almost anything, go anywhere and purchase whatever I desire, I end up wasting valuable time. Only to find out that other people are advancing and making progress in their lives while I'm stuck on pause or trying to wind five miles of audio tape back into the cartridge with a pencil.

I had several hundred dollars accumulated only to find it disappear into the coffers of everyday life. Now the medical bills are starting to roll in and since I don't have a job, I don't have a choice. I'm trying very hard not to focus on the negative stuff since I'm having an extremely slow recovery and I'm a HUGE believer in "mind over matter." To make things even more extreme, the summer is officially here and anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I am not a HEAT person. Anything over 70 degrees makes me unhappy, sweaty, and cranky. No money, plus heat, plus surgery woes equals a suicidal me.

The most important thing that must take place is a balance of daily activities and self control. I can't purchase things online if I want to get to Europe this winter. That means eliminating the source of the problem alltogether, the random surf of the interwebs. I need to spend more time reading, blogging, photographing, churching and limiting the material desires of my wallet and leather addictions. Starting.... NOW!

tattoo beat

Its been one week since I was last tattooed. Spencer's card doesn't lie when it says "I'm not the cheapest, just the slowest." I can't imagine having anything other than the absolute best work done by one of the best artists and I'm so lucky that he decided to take on my left arm sleeve.

The pain is minimal during and after the sessison, but the bruising is unreal. Having looked like I was beat to shit by someone that I pissed off really badly, there wasn't much sensation coming from the purple and blue halo of hurt tissue that surrounded my praying hands. The yellowing is taking over and I'm hoping it will heal soon especially since there's this tiny swelling occuring in a lower arm vein. Here's to hoping its not a blood clot since I don't really want to die before my sleeve is finished. Its not a blood clot, by the way. I hope...

How much do I love it that I got to be in the very same room as Spencer Briggs, Shawn Barber and Kim Saigh? Talent fucking overload. Which one of us doesn't belong? Um, me? Yeah, that kind of surrealness doesn't happen very often. Or when Shawn Barber offers you a peanut butter cookie and pays the valet for your car parking? I paid him back.

The next session is in August and its something that I'm not dreading. Normally, I see getting tattoed as a burden. Paying a lot of money for something that takes time, requires patience and then leaving in discomfort, is not my idea of money well spent. But having tattoos that are better than any accessory in any store? Best purchase ever?

a new day

A month has passed since my myomectomy. Most of my pain has subsided but what's left over is the most annoying discomfort of all. I'm tired most of the time, still have lots of pain when I first wake up in the morning and still can't sit comfortable. The most comfortable position is usually lying down on my back, as my side feels enormous pressure in my abdomen on both my left and right sides. When I roll over, the sensation is that of all my guts, blood, and lymphatic fluid tossing about within me as I turn. And I can hear it.

The worst is being tired all of the time.

so unbelievably...

depressed... Am I ever going to get better. Is this searing abdominal pinch ever going to subside? And will my dog ever stop costing money because of health problems and other expenses? I want to be able to sleep on my side and not wake up in my own sweat because I've been sleeping in considerable discomfort in the same position for the last 8 hours.

I'm over it. I'm over it.

whew

Healing. Stress. Excited. I hope I can hang on for nearly a week while Emily is here with her boys. Tomorrow Germany plays Argentina. If they can beat this team, I know Germany will have the strength to perhaps win it all.

Its hot outside and I'm not too stoked on spending lots of time outside. And I wish I could afford a haircut.

day 16

It's been over two weeks since I had my fibroids removed. Blech. That word is so weird and disgusting. It sounds like an alien, robot, muscle mass. I still have:

* very slight trouble getting in an out of bed
* wake up in almost EXTREME pain as my muscles are sore each morning
* haven't have much of an appetite even though I should be pigging out
* still bleeding
* my skin around my bikini line feels super sensitive
* groin chicken bones feel like I've been kicked
* totally winded sometimes, struggle to maintain my breath
* sometimes I'm sweating in my sleep, probably due to discomfort

The positive points include:

* I can drive now!
* I can move most of my body without feeling pain
* as the day goes on, my muscles become warmed up
* I can lie on my side and not just on my back
* I'm starting to have regular poops!

I know there are more positive points, its just hard to remember them all. I'm also trying to pray regularly and be reminded that people suffer every day with pain and have no refuge. At least mine is expected to end some day. I truly desire solace in the Lord and know that He will watch after me no matter what. I KNOW this, it comforts me and brings me extreme peace as I know that there is an end in sight for my post-surgery pain.

I still don't know if I will be able to go to Disneyland with Emily, but the other days she is here I will be fine for the activities.

and I did this because?...

Yesterday was the two week mark of my myomectomy procedure. Having an extremely large tumor removed and one small one was more pain than I expected. I feel really tired all the time not to mention I have a swollen belly and skin that feels like sandpaper is being applied with each step and breath I take.

I'm trying to think of reasons as to WHY I needed this surgery, I guess in my warped sense of necessity, having a 400 gram muscle mass crushing your uterus isn't enough. I didn't really have any of the major symptoms but I guess removing it while I could is better than walking around with it inside of my belly. Not to mention, the longer I postponed the surgery, the larger the thing would grow since it was showing no signs of shrinking on its own accord. Gross.

Now I need to recover. Its taking a lot longer than I really truly expected. I've two previous procedures and it was hands down the worst shit I've ever experienced. I HATE surgery. I'd rather be hungover for a month straight than do this. I just gotta stick it out and hope that I'm tip top by the time Emily and her boys show up on July 2nd. Praying for it!

misconception

It's not that people are not always what they seem, it's that given certain circumstances, consequences or rewards, people are capable of anything.